


Sense of Self

by eighth_chiharu



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Brothers, Family, Gen, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 01:03:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11325435
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eighth_chiharu/pseuds/eighth_chiharu
Summary: Post-SBURB AU. The kids won, and the world was rebuilt exactly as it was before, with parents/guardians included. Alpha kids and beta kids are in the beta kids' world, and Dave and Dirk both end up in Texas, a block away from each other. Which is good, because Bro didn't come back right, and Dave needs all the help he can get.





	Sense of Self

Smoking was bad for you, Dave knew. But it was either smoke half a pack a day, or do worse things to himself. Lung cancer in twenty years was currently the least of his worries.

He sat on the decorative wall that surrounded their apartment complex, staring at the traffic whizzing by as if nothing life-threatening had ever happened, pulling in smoke that both stung and soothed, kicking his heels against the cheap brick. Absently, he wondered how long it would take to wear down the rubber in his sneakers by kicking them against a the wall. Just kicking, over and over, with no point and no purpose. Would his ankles give out before the shoes did? And wasn’t it exactly the same as what he was doing with Bro?

“Whatever you’re thinking, stop it.”

A shadow fell over Dave’s lap, and he glanced up at his cousin (it was easier than ‘brother’, Dave already had a brother, and he wanted Dirk to be different), dropping his feet so his toes touched the sidewalk. “I wasn’t thinking anything.”

Dirk twitched an eyebrow. It was so much like something Bro would do that it made Dave’s chest ache. “You were thinking depressing thoughts, most of which were either about how much your life sucks, how much _his_ life sucks, or how to end either life. I’m the king of depression, you can’t fool me.”

“Is that something to brag about?” Dave asked, taking another drag. The smoke trickled out, curling up and away into the warm late morning air. “I mean, now that you’re better.”

“If it lets me call you on all kinds of bullshit, then yeah, yeah it is.” Dirk tilted his head back to look toward the top floor of the apartment complex. “Today a Bad Day?”

“… not for him.” Dave shrugged, tossed what was left of the cigarette on the ground and crushed it beneath his foot. “Now that Cal’s gone, he can’t even tie his own shoes without being told to do it. I’m fucking lucky I don’t have to put diapers on him.”

Dirk nodded. “That’s a definite plus. And I know it doesn’t help much, but trust me when I say he’ll get there. He’s me, or some version of me. He’ll keep fighting. He wants to come back, he’s just lost right now.”

“I know.”

“How about I come up with you? Sometimes he likes to talk to me. I probably remind him of how young and stupid he used to be, so he’s tempted to lecture me. You know how old people are.”

Dave shrugged. He wanted to say ‘no’. Part of him wanted to do this all by himself, so that when Bro was finally himself again, he would realize that Dave had been there the whole time. Just Dave. He wanted Bro to want to thank him, give him hugs, praise him and tell him he was Bro’s ‘little man’, and that he was amazing for sticking it out for so long.

But doing it alone wasn’t as spiritual as the TV movies made it seem.

“… might as well. You and Dave aren’t staying here for your health.”

It was Dirk’s turn to shrug. “You, me, and Bro were all raised around here. Dave’s the only one that left. And it’s not like he and I have a place to live in LA. His LA never happened. Besides, the game assigned us that apartment down the block that mysteriously looks like yours, so I’m guessing we’re supposed to be here.” He squeezed Dave’s shoulder and let go. “Whatever the hell SBURB did to us, I’m glad it kept us together.”

Dave stood, dusting off his jeans. He didn't say  _At least your brother isn’t a catatonic couch potato with a history of violence and paranoia,_ but he thought it. “I don’t know if he’ll recognize you today. He’s not talking much. I had to microwave pizza to get him to eat breakfast. He can barely dress himself, but he knows he likes Domino’s pizza. _That_ shit he remembers.”

“He’ll remember everything soon,” Dirk said. “We just have to be patient. He has to rebuild himself.”

“Yeah, yeah, I know.” Dave rubbed his hands over his face, reciting, “Cultic relationships ‘in which the individual experiences such high-intensity demands on their time and resources that they experience dysfunction in one or more core life areas’. Thank God SBURB kept the libraries and Internet intact, or Rose would have nothing to back up her psychological mumbo jumbo.”

“At least we have all that stuff so we know what’s going on with him. That cult shit leaves a hole, and the deeper its roots, the harder it is to fill. But we know how to help. We’ll get him there.”

Dave looked away, fists clenched by his chin without him noticing. “We sure got fucked, didn’t we? Saved the world, but so what? I missed half my high school experience. I don’t even _care_ about school anymore. It’s still there, and I’m supposed to care, but I don’t. I have an older brother who was a dick more times than not, and I have to deal with that, but I didn’t ask his for brains to be put in a fucking blender. Some kind of supernatural juju was trying to choke out his mind like a UFC fighter going for a submission, and hey what do you know, if you pull out brainweeds too fast, you tear up some of the plant with it, so Bro’s brain is tapioca minus the bobas that make vanilla pudding worthwhile. I wanted him to be _nice,_ not a fucking accident victim. How much of my life is SBURB gonna fucking claim? Why wasn’t there a warning on the goddamn CD sleeve? ‘Play at own risk, may damn humanity, will sure as fuck damn the hell out of you. Some nursing experience required. For ages 13 and up.’ ”

His tirade drifted away in the echoes of the traffic on the street. Dirk didn’t answer, but there was no answer. The planet kept going the same way it always had, and no-one had an inkling that they’d escaped extermination because of a pack of teenagers. They were heroes only to themselves; SBURB didn’t replace what it had taken, and the knowledge that they’d secured humanity’s future wasn’t as cozy a comfort as it should have been.

They stood there for a minute, then Dave dropped his hands.

“You ready?” Dirk asked.

Dave nodded. “Yeah. Sorry. Dirk?”

“Yeah?”

“Is it… is it bad I want to know the real Bro? Is it bad that I … I want him to like me?”

“No, Dave.” Dirk slid his arm around Dave’s shoulders. He was a little taller than Dave, despite them being the same age, and they fit easily together. He hugged Dave close, squeezing. “If he’s anything like me, and since he's a _version_ of me, I can say this with 80% assurance: he’ll definitely be worth knowing, and he’ll definitely like you.”

“Eighty percent, not bad,” Dave snorted weakly.

"Seriously, though. You've got a lot to deal with."  
  
"Not as much as some people."  
  
Dirk shrugged. "I know you chose to stick with this, but it's still a lot. And like you said, it's not fair. But I'm here for you. Sometimes life hands you a big hand of shit, but that doesn’t mean you have to shovel it alone.  I’m goin’ in with you, bro. I’ve got my waders on and everything. We’re hip deep in this crap, and we’re leaving no man behind, even if we have to crawl.”

Dave nodded again, laughing stiffly. His eyes burned, and he wiped quickly at the wetness at their corners. “I know. Thanks.”

“No big deal.” Dirk hugged him again. “Now let’s get up there and show your Bro some baby pictures. You mentioned diapers? Maybe a reminder that you used to pee on him will spark some memories.”


End file.
